When you donate at the London Sperm Bank there's a bit of
paperwork that needs to be done before you get down to the deed. On this
paperwork are the results from all your previous donations, with column
headings such as 'Post-thaw motility' and 'Post-thaw progression'. Not
knowing exactly what these are and being bored at work I decided to Google
them...
As is the way with reading things on the 'net, I ended up going
down a rabbit hole and my browser history was filled with too many titles with
'sperm' in it. I had to clear it.
I did eventually learn all I needed to learn (and a bit more about
bovine IVF) but it just raised more questions in my head. Specifically:
how on earth do you settle on a particular vial of sperm without taking it our
for dinner, living with it for a few years and seeing it at its worst after a
particularly heavy night out with the boys?
The London Sperm Bank (in association with the London Women's
Clinic) was the first UK donation clinic to have an online brochure style website
detailing the personal qualities of its sperm donors. It details things
like our hobbies, occupation and a lovely little blurb from Toyin on our
personality. And you can search by height, education, religion, etc. as
well.
This must be a huge step up from the completely anonymous profiles
that people were previously presented with but given the difficulty I have in
finding a partner on online dating websites, where I'm given a plethora of
photos, stats and sales pitches, I still feel sorry for the people who have to
choose based on this information!
The US sperm banks tackle this problem a different way. Some
of them advertise as only accepting donations from lawyers, bankers,
doctors and other 'high grade professions'. Others only accept donors
from top-rated universities and from students in the top percentile of their
classes. Others brag that "less than 0.05 percent of the men
that inquire about being a donor go on to become donors". Plus
rather than being anonymous some of the sperm banks are willing to sell you
photos of a donor when he was a baby, as this is 'helpful for those who have
concerns about how their child might look'. Or how about a photo of the
donor when he's an adult? Sure thing buddy that'll be $$$!
This sounds awful! I can just image some high powered
business lady in NYC sitting in her immaculate suit and Big Hair trying to
decide between Chad, the 6'4" blond ex-A&F-model-now-lawyer, or Brad,
the 6'3" Wall St CEO with Amazing Teeth and
ohmyjustlookathowcutehisbabyphotois...
It doesn't get any better with the Sperm Stats: I found a
US discussion forum with women who are complaining that they're being
offered sperm with only 80% post-thaw motility and with post-thaw sperm
counts of only 45 million (which is significantly above what my searches
suggest is a pre-freeze 'normal male'). But I suppose if you're demanding
perfection, you expect perfect sperm too! How else would you be able brag
to your lady friends over lunch about the IVF you're going through: 'Oh that's
nothing, my sperm was 99.999% motile and had a count of 1.7 BILLION!
Plus he's 8' tall and has an IQ in the top 0.0001% of the population!
Mwahahaha'.
So maybe less is more when it comes to sperm donation.
Choosing a donor based on personality rather than looks and income is
certainly much more hand-wavingly-British. And anyway, the sperm is only
half of the equation: there's still the egg to consider.
Post written by A London Sperm Bank Donor, A City Professional
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